from the vault

some of the stuff that came out of me when my cork blew off. most of it surprised even me. I wasn't going to include it here, but then I thought, Amy, girl, own your words. I never heard that term till a few months ago. My friend AJ said she heard a speaker mention it. Own your words. Stand behind them. Back up what you say.

Well....I'm not sure that I could back any of this up if confronted in person. Thus, blogging.




July 14, 2007 - Saturday


white mustang
It's not your fault
that I was a time bomb,
a volcano getting ready to erupt
You didn't know
how much I had hidden away inside
I would have told you
but you never asked.
I don't regret
my parting words, my letter
I stand behind every word, to this very day.
I learned from you,
I learned to value myself again.
Never in my life
had I ever been so blatantly used
as what I experienced with you.
But again, I cannot put the blame on you,
for it was my choice
to go along
with the situation at hand
I tried
to make things equal
did you even see
me pay my way
did you even see
that I wanted to be more than your current squeeze
Oh, you say, you considered getting married
so you wanted to marry a stranger?
Do you know
that women are like treasure chests
but we come with locks
for you to unlock
it's your job
to seek and explore and discover
Take the time
to uncover the layers
take the time
to find out her mysteries
take the time
and you will have
the love of your lifetime





"be here now"
What, are you satisfied now
that you fit into my story somehow?
Is that what you wanted?
To be part of my chaos,
to be a character in my play?
Well congratulations, you made it.
You scoffed at my words
you thought I was a little nutty
you saw my vulnerability, and took advantage
Yes you did.
But little did you know
that the things I told you are solid, and real
and very much alive
You see
God has hidden me
in a very good disguise
From all outer appearances, I am
just a silly girl
Well, maybe I am.
Ok...what kind words can I give to you?
hmmm...well, thank you for...
...still thinking....
sorry.
I've gone blank.






french fry
...and then there's you.
where to begin??
Did you hurt me, or did you help me?
Did you cover me in darkness, or help me to see the light?
Did you put me in a prison, or did you set me free?
You brought me into your world
I was fascinated, spellbound, as if in a dream
you changed my life, what more can I say?
nothing happened that I didn't want
you are so easy to view as the bad guy
but I know better now.
you were a teacher to me
without even knowing or trying.
Because of you, I learned
how weak I really was
Because of you, I learned
to run from chaos
Because of you, I learned
how to bury my heart
Because of you, I learned
that it's only life, and it goes on...
I hope you are happy these days,
I hope you have found your peace
thank you
for giving me a place to stay in the midst of my storm
for listening to me cry
for littering tracts wrapped in ten dollar bills in the Wal-Mart parking lot with me
for taking me on road trips, it was always an adventure with you
for changing my entire life.
How can one human being
have the power
to alter the course
of another human being's life?
But you did.
Am I better off now because I met you?
I still don't know.
Take care of yourself
Be good to yourself
stay out of trouble
settle down, be merry
don't forget to say your prayers...






"one baby, coming right up!"
I smile
as I try to think
what would I say to you? There's no secrets
hidden inside me
for you
nothing left unspoken,
you know what I think of you.
You granted my request
and knocked me up.
You took my hand, we walked a mile
but with a babe between us..
It was only a mile
but a long hard one it was
(still laughing)
You took care of me
You put up with me
You grew up with me...
thank you, from the bottom of my heart
I think of you every day, and smile
who else?
You are one of a kind
don't ever change
...and thank you for setting us both free






brass guitar slide
I panic when I see you, to this very day
because you make me remember
That Day, in 88
you were there for me
you were the only one who understood me
the only one who could make me feel
and so
I could not be with you any longer.
You think I didn't love you
but you know I did
I see you now
and I hope that you are happy
I was supposed to give you my hand in marriage
but all I can give you now is encouragement, from a distance
don't be angry, don't use rough words
let me do what I need to do
please keep searching, please keep going
please don't fall into a living sleep
please don't drown in the sea of chaos
You yourself saw that whale
and you yourself flew over it
please don't forget my words
please take what I have to give
it's all I can do for you now




vicious pink, august 88
You.
Because of you
I walked down those stairs
and into the small room
and did what I did.
You knew nothing of it
until after the fact
(I could not tell you)
You frightened me...
You asked for a ride home
seems innocent enough
I had no idea
No, I don't put the blame on you
it always takes two
but why did you use force
and why did you blow smoke in my face
and why of all things did you understand...
because I wanted to hate you.
You left me no choice
but to blame myself for my choice
But because of you
my life was changed
...should I say thank you?
Do you remember
that I saved your life at the lake?
Do you know
that I remember you
and I remember your words...
You called yourself a punk
had it tattooed across your knuckles
I told you not to insult yourself...
I'd like to think I knew more than you
I'd like to think I was an angel
But you enlightened me
when you told me not to change
"don't change the you...for me"
You said that you were adopted
and that you wanted to give life in return
I am no angel
That these words would come from you and not me
I think of you, and wonder
what has your life become?
And do you think of me, and hate





Brother
you left us at three minutes after midnight
you didn't say goodbye, you were only seventeen.
you left us to wallow in grief and tears
for years....
they said there was no pain
they said you didn't feel a thing
that it happened so fast
but what about us?
all of your pain was given to us
and we bore it for you.
You left a hole
too dark to mention
too deep to feel
too much to think about...
and now
it's too much to say
I miss my little brother.