social conformity & dealing with the west nile

more stuff I wrote a couple months ago...




July 15, 2007 - Sunday

personal growth, and losing friends
It all started on the day I quit drill team.
The day I said I'm through with conformity and social pressure.
Drill team may have been great for others, but for me personally, it turned me into a slave. A dancing robot slave.
One day in a whirlwind gust of determined emotion, I stomped up those stairs in the gym, tears flowing with each step...I strutted right on in to the director's office and announced, "I QUIT!!!" She was like, "Uh...ok, Amy, do you want to talk about this? Do you need to sit down?" No. I didn't want to spend one more second of my life in that prison of gawdy makeup, turquoise tights, and forcing myself into the splits at 6:30 in the morning.
It was on this very day that everything changed. It started the ball rolling in a whole new direction....an honest direction. It was the day I finally decided to be myself. I know I didn't need to be so dramatic about it- maybe I at least could have finished out the semester- but no, when I make up my mind about something, the whole world needs to know.
And this is how I lost the first batch of friends.
I lost more, after becoming pregnant at the age of 20. All of my friends continued to do the usual partying, why shouldn't they? I could no longer tag along...what with my growing bump & all....so there went the second batch of friends.
When I became a Christian at 17, I maintained a low profile about it. I didn't mention it to anyone. Well, except for my boyfriend, who was a Christian already, but for some reason he didn't tell me. When I found out about Jesus, and having a real relationship with Him, and all that that entails, I asked my boyfriend, "So you already knew all of this?" He did. We had been dating for about 2 years! I said, "Why didn't you tell me??" He just shrugged his shoulders and said, "I thought you already knew." No. I didn't know.
In my mid-twenties I finally came out of the closet and let it be known how much God means to me. I had to start talking, because all these incredible things started happening...I had to start telling people! Not to preach...but to simply share. I was amazed.
And this is how I lost more friends.
Then my life took a drastic turn downhill, I went tumbling into all kinds of chaos. I survived, and emerged with a story to tell. I knew in my heart that I had to tell it. My entire life plays out like a strange dream, and telling my story is both therapy for me, and the right thing to do.
More friends, gone. When they discover who I really am.
And now, here I am, at the age of 37. Being forced to take time out. My inner thoughts and memories have been bubbling up to the surface, one by one, and all I can do about it is write. I am at the point where I don't care anymore about social acceptance or how many "friends" I have. I do not mind if someone chooses to distance themself from me, because I make them uncomfortable. My mission here on earth is not to make people comfortable. God gave me a mouth, and I would wither up and die if I were unable to use it.
I have shared my testimony with lots of folks, and I do not regret it one bit. If you are one who has read my words, please know that I did it with nothing but love in my heart. I have to tell others what God has done for me. It blows my mind. He boggles my head, when I think of it all.
I had to get rid of all my copies of my story. Know why? To prevent myself from compulsively sharing it any more. There's a time to share, and a time to move on. The time has come for me to move on from my past, and clear the slate, make room in my head for what's next.
Oh don't get me wrong, I'll never shut up. I'll never stop writing. It's just that it's time to take the focus off my past. It's a relief to be at this point in my life. It's as if, I've climbed my impossible mountain, and now I can see things from a clear perspective...
But life is not about staying on top of the mountain. We are created to dwell down in the valley, where real life takes place, the dirty, messy stuff that life is made of. It's not about living such a pristine existence, or being holy. I am nothing, my thoughts and words and deeds are nothing, my service to God is nothing. It's only because of Christ in me that I am something. What a relief!
So anyway...what did I start off talking about? Oh yeah...how you lose friends as you grow and move through life and change. But it's all good. You need to be true to yourself. Don't worry about it.
Keep going...
Keep growing......
Don't give up, don't give in............







my poor little head!
...all funked up & what not.
It's getting better though. Haven't had a seizure since December, my leg hasn't gone out on me in two months, my energy is coming back, and I actually drove a few weeks ago. Slow, but I did it.
Just got the test results back from the neuro/psychologist testing, and although my thinking is a little bit fuzzy, the doc said it's nothing to be alarmed about...except for my memory. According to the test, my memory is right on the borderline of "low-average" and "impaired." Don't laugh. This is serious!
I know how entertaining all of this has been to people who know me. For years, my thinking (and lack thereof) has been the brunt of many jokes. And now this. I see the humor in it. Especially losing my memory. I mean, it's sort of a good thing, all things considered.
Now this is the funny part. The doc is referring me to a program/class that's for people with various types of head injuries. It's supposed to help you re-train your brain. Now this will be interesting for sure. No telling what my classmates will be like. I will most definitely report back on that.
The West Nile has left scarring on my left temporal lobe. It's a souvenier that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. My neurologist says that I can expect long-term residual effects, but nobody really knows for sure, because it hasn't been around that long. There's some research going on, and I've been invited to join. I might go along with it, as long as it doesn't involve another spinal tap. I have a feeling it will. But my conscience tells me to do it anyway...I mean, I have the antibodies in my bloodstream for West Nile Virus. How cool is that?? They are trying to formulate a vaccine, I think.
So....that's the latest scoop on my little health issue. This has been a very strange time in my life. I've had plenty of time to think...and write....
...and write....



...and write....