my trouble with men

I cannot communicate with them anymore. At all.
I think I have developed a phobia. I experience borderline panic attacks when faced with the reality of an impending email or phone call.

I have changed my phone number and email so many times it's frightening.

And yet, I sit and complain. I complain that I am 37 years old and have yet to find my Prince.

See, this is why I avoid talking to them. Because I KNOW. I know, at first meeting, who will only end up on my black list of bad dates/memories/learning experiences. I know who will freak out on me when they discover what lies beneath my harmless exterior. I know who will like me TOO much, and attempt to suck the life force right out of me. I know who will reject my opinions and beliefs.

It's my ongoing dilemma. My eternal frustration.

I sense too much. My antenna is always up, preventing me from any real connection.

I have grown hostile and mean. And I am not happy about it. But I cannot change it, it's a defense that has grown and formed out of necessity.

What's worse: my fear of the ones who are just right. They make my heart beat faster (in a bad way) than the ones who are wrong. Because, I know what it would mean if something were to pan out. It would mean...... a......relationship. (shuddering)

Yes, I have issues. And don't say I have too much fear that I need to get over, trust me, it will not go away. Nothing will change until I just do it. I can sit and worry all day long, but I will
not move past this anxiety until I'm working through it in a real-life situation.

I fear the good ones, I fear the bad ones. I fear the normal ones. I fear the wild ones, due to the chaos they bring. I fear the stable ones, because this might mean love.

Wait. I think that's it.

Love.

That's the scariest word of all.